I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If I were meant to touch my toes, they would have been put them on my knees.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.