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* Cover me. I'm changing lanes. * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. * I'm not as think as you drunk I am. * Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * Rehab is for quitters. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * If you don't like the news, go out and make some. * When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS.. * Sorry, I don't date outside my species. * Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. * I took an IQ test and the results were negative. * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. * IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. * Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. * It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. * According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. * Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. * Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you. * Our lips touched, then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses. * Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. * Lorena Bobbit for White House Intern. * Life is sexually transmitted * Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard * Lead me not into temptation..I can find the way myself * When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? * There are two types of pedestrians.. the quick and the dead * A closed mouth gathers no feet * The more people I meet, the more I like my cat. * Don't blame me. I'm only doing what my Rice Crispies told me to do. * My child was inmate of the month at the county jail * My kid beat up your honor student * If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight? * Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? * "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR" * DISLEXICS HAVE MORE FNU! * If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong? * time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like bananas * the best things in life are free plus tax * Skydivers: Good to the last drop * The grass is always greener on TV * Smile and the world audits your taxes. * If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done? * Women: can't live with them, can't force them into slavery * According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * How can I miss you if you won't go away? * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. * Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * i souport publik edekashun. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. * Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? * Ever stop to think and forget to start again? * If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body that is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * What's the number for 911? * My REALITY CHECK Bounced. * I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. * Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories... * There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. * What a nice night for an evening. * When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!" * I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. * I live on a one-way dead-end street. * Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers... * How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
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